


The Insanely Cool Best Man

by floateron



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: It has everyone those are just the main three, M/M, OCs as future partners for Jared and Alana
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-07-07 14:55:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15910551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/floateron/pseuds/floateron
Summary: Jared gives a best man toast for his best friend's wedding.





	The Insanely Cool Best Man

Jared, the Insanely Cool Best Man, stood up and started clanking his glass with his steak knife, catching the attention of the scarce twenty or so people seated around three large tables in the diner’s back room. Sam, his partner, poked his thigh, and they whispered, “Be nice.”

Jared winked at them. They gave a rueful smile in return.

“I have a toast. You all may know me as Jared Kleinsmen, the best of the best men, Evan’s best friend since he was a mere fetus,” Jared introduced, despite the small crowd’s intimacy. 

Zoe called back, “We know you you are, Jared!” but she switched off the small portable speaker that was synced up with the meticulously-to-the-point-of-absurdity crafted “Connor and Evan’s Wedding Playlist” on Zoe’s phone. 

Jared turned to the grooms themselves, who were sitting at a smaller two-person table Connor had taken a table from the main room, despite the looks he had gotten from the staff. The diner had a larger table for them to sit at, but Evan had pushed it against the window and told everyone to plop their gifts down there while Connor had just lifted up a table and walked it into the room before staff could complain.

Connor had been cuddled up to Evan the whole afternoon, his arms loosely hanging off Evan’s shoulder. They were still at their cozy table, grinning at him, though Evan’s eyes were already showing signs of trepidation.

Jared grinned back, and pulled a folded piece of paper from his pocket. “Thank you all for coming out here tonight. Thank you especially to the lovely Maid of Honor Zoe Murphy and, of course, our Esteemed Officiate Alana Beck, let’s give these glamorous gals a hand, huh?” Jared said, starting a clap. Zoe rolled her eyes, but held a hand up in acknowledgement. Alana blushed and stood up, waving a hand at the room, before folding her dress underneath her and sitting back down. Her fiancée Rhea gave a good-natured laugh and pat her on the back.

“I thought I’d kick off theses toasts right. By completely humiliating the grooms.” His grin sharpened. His parents groaned. Heidi laughed openly.

Alana sat flipped through the three different versions of her toast she had prepared. Rhea rubbed her shoulders soothingly, murmuring quietly, “I told you he was going to go with funny. You really didn’t need to write so many.”

“I wanted to match his tone!” Alana replied in a hush, feeling guilty for talking during speech, but letting herself do so as 1. Evan insisted his reception be as casual as they could make it, and 2. Everyone else was anyway.

“Jared, c’mon, please don’t do this,” Evan groaned from under Connor’s affections.

Jared looked Evan dead in the eye and said, “You said I could make this as long as I want.”

Evan stared him down back, “I lied.”

Jared grinned and shook his head at Evan, waving his speech at Evan. Turning to the room at large, he persevered, “I know you what you all are wondering. What could a prep like Evan and a goff like Connor be doing together? Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way didn’t die for this.”

Connor snorted. “I hate that I get the fucking reference, Kleinman,” he said. Not a single other person in the room understood the reference, which Jared did not much mind as it had mostly been there to needle Connor.

The father of the groom graciously did not tell his son to watch his mouth at his own wedding, but his left eye twitched.

Jared grinned and continued. “Well, let me tell you,” Jared addressed the crowd in a sing song, eyes closed. He held up pointer finger, and said, “Clearly, it’s because Evan has a type. 

Knowing instantly what Jared was going to say, Evan groaned.  Connor tilted his head to Evan and raised an eyebrow. Evan shrugged and gave a wry grin. 

 “I thought his type was Connor,” said Priya, a friend of Evan’s from his Natural Science program from college, under her breath. The small group of their mutual college friends near her snickered.

“Close!” Jared said with a shit eating grin, “That type is, of course—“

“Jared…” Evan protested under his breath, though his un-smothered smile gave him away. The half-hearted appeal was ignored. 

“Murphys,” Jared continued. He unfolded the the paper and ran a hand through his hair. He turned to Evan.  “I’ve been holding onto this for twelve years, Evan, you gotta let me do this.”

Evan took in a deep breath, eyes upward. A detail nagged at him, but he shrugged back at Jared. Connor raised his eyebrows in amusement.

“I can remember,” he said, putting his hand over his chest, “when Evan and I were mere saplings, small high school sophomores _—“_

 _The grand-standing,_ Evan mused in passing, happy that Jared was, at the very least, predictable in that aspect.

“—when Evan sighed a loving ‘Zoe’” and here Jared mimic such a sigh, “and gushed how _awesome_ ,” he emphasized, “she was.”

Evan rolled his eyes. His smile still breaking through from under his hand and own efforts.

Zoe choked on a laugh. “You’re doing this here, Kleinman?” she raised an eyebrow as she leaned onto her boyfriend’s shoulder.

“Like you didn’t know,” Jared said, laughing. “Zoe,” Jared cooed mockingly, looking Evan straight in the eye, even as Zoe herself rolled her eyes. “Zoe, who’s smile, Jared,” Jared impersonated Evan, “sort of subtle? And perfect? And real.”

Connor snickered. Evan mock glared at him, but the force of it was cut off by a squeak as Connor pinched his side. “What can I say,” Connor shrugged, quietly as Jared continued his own speech, “he’s got you pegged.”

Jared was about to make a wholly inappropriate, yet undeniably funny joke when Sam poked him hard in the back. He turned to them. Sam shook their head. He bit his tongue. He made a mental note to tell Sam the joke later when they would appreciate it.  

Evan and Zoe made eye contact from across the room, and she gave him a sympathetic smile. Evan shrugged and wondered why she wasn’t his Maid of Honor. Connor could have had Jared if this was how he was going to be. Or better yet, Alana could have been Connor’s Maid of Honor, instead of their officiate, and Jared could have been uninvited forever.

Jared, who did indeed have Evan pegged, continued his attack, “Zoe looked so pretty when she put indigo streaks in her hair, and and did you notice she draws stars on the cuffs of her jeans when she’s bored. Oh, if only I could tell her, Jared,” Jared sighed, then laughed. He was not the only one, unfortunately.

For as long as Priya had known Evan and Connor, they had seemed inseparable, even during their break ups. She and the rest of the college gang could not quite comprehend the concept that Evan and Connor had the capacity to romantically love anyone other than the other. They were in equal parts fascinated and unsettled by the news. 

Heidi, who had known Jared longer than she had known Evan, chuckled affectionately, whereas the Murphy couple kind of just… chuckled… awkwardly. (If only they had known what Jared had in store for them).  

Zoe through a bread roll at Jared. “Quit tormenting the groom!” she called to him. 

Alana tossed a wrapped napkin at Zoe, “Don’t make a mess for the wait staff to clean!”  

“Booooooo,” Connor called, cupping his open hand around his mouth, “I knew all this already! Boring!”

“Ooooh, tough crowd. Too bad, you know I love it, Murphys,” Jared said, wigging his eyebrows. Both siblings snorted, despite themselves.  Evan and Alana smiled at the show of it.

“Fortunately for you,” he paused to wink and blow a kiss, “I do, in fact, have more material.”

He smirked and shrugged. “I also remember when Evan and I were mere sprouts, even smaller than saplings, the babiest of baby trees, the Homecoming Football Game of our Freshamn Year.”

“Jared, no!” Evan called, waving his arms frenetically in front of himself, “Jared, please do not tell the story I think you are about to tell!”

Connor gripped tightly around him and quelled his attempts at moving towards Jared. The betrayal stung. Evan covered his eyes with his hands.

“Cynthia Murphy had volunteered to run the stand.” Jared smiled, glad to see he was getting the rise he had hoped for. Evan took a deep breath and peeked behind his hands to give Jared a Look.

“Well, Evan, the poor kid, in the throws of puberty,” Jared said, punctuating each sentence fragment by throwing his hands in front of himself, “Sees her and walks straight into a fence.”

Cynthia flushed. “Oh, Evan, sweetie.”

Jared grinned cheekily, “Though I can’t say I blame him.” 

“Quit being gross!” Zoe shouted, and she threw another bread roll at him.

Alana hid another laugh into her hands. Evan noticed. The betrayal showed on his face. “Oh, Evan, I’m sorry,” she said, but she was not sorry, and she was still laughing.

“And Evan, Evan whom we all know and love dearly, Evan who had anxiety worse then than he does now, talks himself into a huge panic, and goes up to Cynthia to order.” He paused here, contemplative, “Ev, that was actually pretty big for you. I’m proud of you.” 

Evan rolled his eyes and sighed indulgently. This was, to be fair, not the even top twenty worst stories Jared could have been telling, so he was a little grateful despite himself.  

“Fumbling with the dollar bills in his hands, asking if she made anything, and,” Jared broke off as he started laughing at his own story.

Evan had his face in his hands, the regret returning. “Jared,” he groaned, “Why did I make you my best man? I knew this was going to happen.” 

A few guests looked to Cynthia. Her face was red, and her brow was furrowed as she focused on what she remembered from Connor’s freshman year. It had not been a great year, but she had been trying to make the best of it. Connor hadn’t been to that game, though both she and Larry had been. Larry had hoped Connor would show a sudden interest in football once he was in high school. Cynthia hoped he could make friends, especially at a community-centered event like a game.

Larry, now, was looking between Cynthia, Jared, and Evan uncomfortably and no small amount of consternation on his face.

“God, I’m so glad I was there to witness this,” he said to himself, wiping a (mostly) mirthful tear from his eye, but then said to the crowd, “So Evan asks her, through some garbled mess, what she made, and Cynthia had apparently brought brownies. Special brownies.”

Connor guffawed. Jared, upon seeing this, said aside, “No, not those brownies, ya freak.”

“Anyway,” he drawled, “These brownies are made with black beans. And Evan, bless his bi, little, Murphy-sexual heart, starts telling her that that black beans are delicious and healthy, and wow she isn’t so considerate of teen health, which is good, because Evan liked black beans, they really helped his bowel movements—“ and Jared broke off laughing again.

Even Zoe was laughing now.  The betrayal was coming in from all sides now, Evan lamented.

Evan threw his hands on the small table in front of him, and said, a little desperately, “You said it wasn’t this embarrassing! You told me when this happened I wasn’t this embarrassing!” 

“No,” Jared said through gleeful scheudenfreude “I told you it was even more embarrassing than this. In fact, it’s still embarrassing, because I have yet to get to the part where you realized you’d been talking about your farts for the past five minutes, and screeching, threw money at her and ran away.”

Cynthia smiled awkwardly. This, yes, this she could vaguely remember. “Oh, Evan, no, I, it wasn’t that bad,” she fumbled, her face a poster for considerate lying.

Evan whipped his head up from his hands and near screeching again asked, “You remember!?”

Connor smothered his own laugh in Evan’s neck. Evan could feel it. The _extreme betrayal_.

“Evan, really, you were, um, cute, I suppose. Don’t worry about it,” Cynthia smiled tightly.

Priya, meanwhile, was choking a little bit on a brownie, as she had inhaled for a belly busting laugh just as she had taken a bite. Ken, a friend of Connor’s, pat her on the back as the group laughed. Betrayal, everywhere Evan looked.

Evan looked away from her, only to notice his own mother smother a laugh into her hand. “Mom!? You too!?”

“Oh, I’m sorry sweetheart,” she said laughing more openly, not sincere at all, “I just—you were so yourself back then.”

“What does that even mean? How am I supposed to take that?” Evan asked, distressed, but more confused than offended.

“Well, Evan,” Jared interrupted, his tone dipping as he narrowed his eyes, playing a villain, “I never even told you the best part. Because after you ran away, I offered to take those brownies to you, Evan. But I didn’t. I ate them, Evan. I ate every last bite. And you know what? They. Were. Delicious.”

Evan gasped, “How could you!?”

Zoe put her hand on her heart. “That’s awful, Jared,” Zoe gasped, “Those brownies were a TREAT.”

Connor shook his head, “That’s low, man.”

Alana grinned, “You all know there’s a whole platter of them on the buffet table right?”

“It’s the principle of the thing, ‘Lana, it’s the principle of the thing,” Connor winked at her. 

Alana walked over herself to grab one, and began loudly enjoying it, “Thank you so much for the delicious desserts, Mrs. Murphy!”

Cynthia smiled. Her cooking had always been a bit of a sore spot with her. For so long, it felt like no one had appreciated her cooking, or she was failing her family by buying too much store bought, or not fresh enough ingredients, and it felt like she could never get anything just right. Food in the Murphy household had become another symbol of her family’s problems, just like the slammed doors and the unused baseball gloves. 

Jared pulled out his phone. “Now, for the crown jewel of this little piece. I’ve even have audio aides.”  
  
At this point, Evan stood up, breaking even from Connor’s cuddling grip. “Jared, no, I’m begging you. You told me you deleted that. You cannot do this to me on the day of my own wedding.”

Jared shrugged in response. His face hurt from how hard he was grinning. He sync up his phone with the speaker.

“Jared, I will take you with us on our _honeymoon_ ,” Evan said, voice ragged, “if you do not play what I think you are about to play.”

Jared shook his head no as he flipped through his phone for a specific file.

Evan turned to Sam. “Sam, please, you told me you’d stop him if he went to far.”

Sam shrugged. “This _was_ the compromise, Evan. There _was_ worse,” they said, and Evan saw a spark in their eyes, and Evan in that moment knew that Sam didn’t allow this because they couldn’t stop Jared. Sam allowed this because they loved Jared and genuinely thought he was funny. Evan, for a single second, felt bad for their bad taste.

Connor also stood up next to him. Evan looked at him in relief. Connor was good at stopping Jared when he went to far. His husband would have his back. They were a team.

“Jared,” Connor started, and Evan looked at him with hearts in his eyes, adoration shining from his face. “I will give you one gift from that table,” he said pointing, “If you play for us what’s on that phone.” 

The betrayal, the worst of so many this evening, was so jarring Evan forgot to protest further, even as his own voice echoed through the room.

“ _What are you doing, Jared?_ ” he heard himself ask. He sounded distracted, was probably texting Connor or Alana about some school assignment, leaving himself so open to attack.

“ _Listen to this old Frost CD I found, lol,_ ” Jared said, pronouncing “el-oh-el,” and Evan remembered the way he was so flippant about it, how suspicious he should have been.

Jared in real life was grinning, as a somewhat unfamiliar male voice read aloud a few lines from “Birches.”

Confusion filled the room, except for a soft gasp from Cynthia, “Oh!” and a surprised grunt from Larry, “Oh no.”

Evan sat down, pulling Connor back down with him. He buried his face in Connor’s neck, and promised himself he was never going to move again. He and Connor were just going to have to live out the rest their happy life together here in this diner forever.

Connor laughed, and wrapped his arm around Evan. He kissed him on the crown of his head and began carding his fingers through Evan’s hair. “It can’t be that bad.” 

Evan peeked up to make eye contact. “It’s Jared. It absolutely can be.”

Connor chuckled. “Point.”

“ _So, Evan, Tree-boy,_ ” Jared said over the speakers. “ _Hot or not?_ ”

“ _Hm?_ ” Evan had asked distractedly. The fool.

“ _The guy on the speaker. What do you think?_ ”

Evan had laughed. “ _Daddy._ ” Evan was definitely not laughing now. (He was a little laughing now).

Cynthia snorted loudly into her hand and began coughing. Larry’s face slid into an unfortunate shade of red.

Jared then had asked, “ _Oh, really?_ ” as the Jared of now gave a faux whisper to the room, “I honestly do not know how I kept a straight face.”

“ _Yeah, guy sounds like a DILF,_ ” and damn him, but he was only a little joking.

Connor’s hand stilled. “Wait.”

“It is,” Evan said, as Jared had revealed to him over recording who it was.

“It isn’t,” Connor said, as Evan on the recording began choking violently on his own spit.  

“It really is,” Evan said, as his own voice on the speaker began screaming, “ _Is that you’re phone!? Are you recording this!? Jared! Jared! Give me that! You have to give me that! Delete it! Delete it! What are you doing!? Delete that! Jared, I’m going to kill you!”_

A joyous laughter ripped through Connor. He wrapped his other arm around Evan into a full hug, laughing over Evan’s head.  

Jared grinned and cut off the audio. “Well, that one’s self-explanatory,” he said, shrugging.

Zoey’s eyes were wide with shock. “Jared, you sonnuvabitch,” she whispered, incredulous, “Where did that recording even come from?”

Cynthia coughed lightly. She shrugged when Zoe and Alana had turned to her, “He found it when we had all you kids clean out the garage that summer before college. I didn’t think it’d hurt to give it to him when he asked.”

Larry burrowed himself into his seat. He steadfastly ignored eye contact with any person looking his way.

“I actually had more to this speech?” Jared interrupted the crowd’s crowing. Evan waved for him to continue without looking up. “Like hell was I going to do this without dunking on Evan, but I was going to move on to something a bit more serious, if that’s okay with you all,” the bravado dimmed from his voice and the crowd gave dispersed nods.

His grin became sheepish. He cleared his throat and ran a finger around his suit collar. He looked out the diner window, then at the printed speech, now crumpled in his hand. “Ah. Well.”

 “Shit,” he cleared his throat again. He took a deep breath and continued. His voice was steadier. “Evan and I have been friends since he was in the womb. I was a baby when my mom would visit Heidi. My mom brought me to visit him a day after he was born. We’ve been friends for that long. Evan has this scar right here,” he said, skimming a small line along his cheek, his voice shaking (but only a little).

Evan shifted and traced the same mark in his own cheek. 

“Barely noticeable if you don’t know to look for it. I gave it to him on his first birthday. Cut him with my lil baby nails. I couldn’t have been more than six months. I always said it was because he was getting more attention than me,” he attempted for a joke, but his voice was too thick for the tone.

Evan gave him a watery grin of encouragement, peeking up.

“Well, I guess I’ll give him this day without a scar,” Jared said with a shrug, and a murmur of a laugh came from the crowd, quieter, but more genuine. Jared looked back at his sheet. Right. Back on track.

“We were in high school when Evan and Connor got together. And in college when they broke up. And got back together. And broke up. And,” he said, smile small. The crowd laughed again, the small college group especially, having actually been there for it.

“And fell in love again and again,” Jared said, lost in his own reverie. “Shit, that’s cheesy,” he said abruptly, breaking himself out of it. “It doesn’t say that on here, I didn’t write that,” he said, waving the sheet lightly.

He looked back at the sheet and smoothed out the edges. He spots a few soft smiles from the crowd, but he looks back at the sheet before he really parses out who they’re from.

He cleared his throat again. “I haven’t,” he coughed. “I haven’t always,” he glanced down at his speech. “I haven’t always been there. For Evan. Evan,” he said, turning to address him directly, “I should have—You’re one my best friends.” He swallows hard. “You’re my _best_ friend.”

Jared adjusted his glasses. _Shit_ , he thought. There was no reason for this to be so hard.

The interruptions and spirited heckling quieted. “Aside from Sam, obviously,” he said, as Sam grabbed his hand in support.

“Evan, you are one of the bravest, hardest working, and most genuine people I know. Your friendship means more to me than you could imagine. I love you. You’re my best friend, and I love you, and I’m so,” his voice caught as he blinked back tears, “so happy that you found Connor. I’m so happy you two are happy.”

Evan, at this point, was bawling big, fat, Ghibli tears. Connor rubbed circles into his back as he leaned his chair back. 

Catching sight of him, Jared swallowed the thick lump in his throat.

“And Connor,” Jared said. Connor froze, slightly, surprised he was being addressed at all, “No, don’t give me that look, you’re my friend too. Connor, you’re the reason the guy I share memes with. The guy who drove four hours to give me soup, because I had the flu and Evan had a final. The guy who punched out an asshole at a bar for me. That’s gotta count for something, man.” 

Connor’s face contorted in effort to hide how much hearing this actually meant to him.

“Together you two taught me how to comfortable with another person, with myself. How to share your life, how to be,” Jared stumbled, a hiccup catching in his throat, “vulnerable.”

“You guys have been my best friends through some of the worst moments of my life. Through all of the best. And I hope you guys make each other happy for the rest of yours. Congrats. I really mean it. To long and happy lives,” Jared raised his glass for the toast, and everyone toasted.

He downed the full glass and grabbed another at the serving table before he sat down. Sam grinned at him. “You’re crying. You said you weren’t going to but I told you that you were,” they said, grabbing back his hand.

“No, I’m not,” Jared responded, through thick tears.

“You definitely are, nerd,” Sam said. Jared scowled and rubbed at his eyes. Sam rubbed circles into the back of his palm. “I’m proud of you,” they said, their voice low, head tilted toward Jared.

“Aw, shut it,” he said, despite the shake in his voice. Sam snickered.

Alana stood up, and the room’s ambient rumble quieted once more. She began her toast.  

**Author's Note:**

> Anyway, this is probably more of a teaser. I have a long fic currently in the works, currently at 20k. If you like this, you should check it out when it comes out soon.


End file.
